Ah, What a Tangled Web We Weave
by Nova-chan
Summary: Zelgadis has gotten everyone lost in a giant garden! What shall become of them? And what of the Great Coffee War?


Ah, What a Tangled Web We Weave  
  
Author: Nova-chan ^_^  
  
E-mail: IlovemenoV@aol.com  
  
Series: Slayers  
  
Rating: G  
  
Summary: Xelloss, Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis suddenly find themselves in some old rich guy's fancy garden. Seems oh-kay at first, I mean Gourry's got plenty of giant growth-enhanced apples to eat, Lina's got plenty of shrubs to take out her anger on, Zelgadis finds a quiet spot, and.I guess Xelloss would pretty much be happy anywhere.but besides that! You see, suddenly, Xelloss and Gourry notice that they've gotten trapped in this big labyrinth-like maze! Will they ever find their way out? Will anyone care that they're gone? Is Gourry gonna drive Xelloss insane, or the other way around? Find out!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"It says turn right after the first fork in the road," Zelgadis said calmly, reading from a map given to the group by some gypsy.  
  
"We already passed the fork in the road.WHERE YOU TOLD ME TO GO __LEFT__!!!!" Lina exclaimed, angrily.  
  
"Well, I just didn't read it right," Zelgadis said, defensively.  
  
"Yeah," she mocked, " `I just didn't read it right, hee-hee,' baka."  
  
"Well it's not like you never make a mistake."  
  
"I never make a mistake to get us lost in a one-thousand acre jungle!!!"  
  
"Actually, Lina-chan--" Xelloss began to interrupt.  
  
"If you value that fat head of yours, you'll shut up right now, fruitcake- boy," Lina threatened.  
  
"Tou-chy!" he said, raising his hands up.  
  
"You guys!" Gourry whined. "I'm so hungry!!" He went of in a daze. "I can still remember the sweet taste of blueberry muffins and the succulent smell of hashbrowns like mom used to make and the way I could never figure out how milkshakes could be liquid and solid all at once and how gumdrops would get stuck in my teeth and what its like to eat a big bag of cotton candy all in one bite and-"  
  
"Oh, shut up, Gourry. It's not like I'M not hungry too," the red-haired sorceress replied, bitingly. She abruptly smacked into a poll. "HEY!! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA!! WHO WOULD PUT A FREAKIN POLE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE??? I'M GONNA SUE YOU, YA JERK!!"  
  
"Um.it was him," Xelloss answered, pointing at a statue of some old guy who had discovered petroleum jelly or something like that.  
  
"Well, if he thinks he can hit me with his poll and get away with it, then I'll just have to teach him a lesson!!" Lina shouted, about to hit the statue with her fist. Instead, she was held back by Zelgadis and Gourry.  
  
"Lina! Stop!" Zelgadis cried, struggling to keep her under control.  
  
She took a swing at it, and, because of her impediments, hit a shrubbery that was designed to look like a giant heart.  
  
"Aw," Gourry said. "Hello Big Heart." He hugged the shrubbery.  
  
The others looked at him strangely.  
  
"I love Big Hearts," the blonde swordsman explained.  
  
"Listen," Zelgadis said, "if we find the guy who owns this place, I'm sure he can give us directions, but there's no way we can find this him without splitting up, SO, I'll go with Lina, and Xelloss, you can babysit Gourry.no, let me rephrase that: Gourry, you can babysit Xelloss."  
  
"Yay!" Gourry exclaimed. "Oh-kay, let's see," he continued, going over an imaginary list, "no TV, no junk food and in bed by eight. Got it!"  
  
"See ya," Lina called back at them, walking away and brooding.  
  
Gourry's eyes widened as he looked at Xelloss, who was turned in the opposite direction watching Lina and Zelgadis leave. Gourry walked right behind him and breathed heavily.  
  
"Aah!" Xelloss screamed, when he turned to face the way-too-happy Gourry. "Now, listen, Gourry: he didn't actually mean for you to babysit me, oh- kay?"  
  
"Of course," Gourry replied, winking in a knowing way.  
  
Xelloss sweatdropped. "Why do I even bother?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Lina was looking around, but being to short to see over anything, just gave up and kept walking. Suddenly, she tripped over some kind of root and fell flat on her face. Snarling, she stood up and blasted the root to kingdom come. After that, she decided that it was up to her to take vengeance on all plant life in the universe, so she did.  
  
While she was distracted, Zelgadis slowly inched away. He found himself in a large, open courtyard, butterflies buzzing about, bunnies and deer hopping around every now and then, a lounge chair sitting beside a coffee bar.  
  
"A lounge chair sitting beside a coffee bar??" he exclaimed. "Where??"  
  
___There!!___ said the author-goddess, pointing to the lounge chair that was sitting beside the coffee bar.  
  
"Oh. Thanks!" He ran toward the aforementioned spot and hopped into the chair. "Aaaaahhhh."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"So, Baby-Xelloss, what do you want to do? Eat ice cream until you puke? Color on the walls? Break some china?" Gourry wondered.  
  
"Will you cut it out??" `Baby' Xelloss exclaimed.  
  
"Oh-kay, my little Xel-chan."  
  
Xelloss groaned. __Why me? Blasted chimera. I'll get him for this.__  
  
He turned to Gourry. "Goo-chan, let's.Goo-chan? Gourry??" He looked around, and, not seeing Gourry anywhere, hovered above the various shrubs and plants. "GOURRY!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Elsewhere.  
  
"Wow!! That's the biggest apple in the whole world!" Gourry's eyes glazed over at the enormous apple that was about to snap the tree it was hanging on. Gourry sniffled. "It's so beautiful."  
  
He jumped up, trying to grab it, but failed. "Big apple!!" he cried.  
  
"Gourry! There you are!" Xelloss called, landing beside the dumbfounded swordsman.  
  
Gourry gasped, then shook a finger accusingly at Xelloss. "Where have you been, Mister? I was looking all over for you!! You had me worried sick!! What would your mother say if she knew I lost you?"  
  
Xelloss sweatdropped. "I think you're taking this a little too seriously."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! DIE EVIL APOCALYPTIC SHRUBS!! DIE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Lina cackled, as she fireballed and zapped all the colorful and decorative plants in her path.  
  
Zelgadis watched her mass destruction take place, without a care in the world.  
  
"Aahhh.coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Let me get this straight," Xelloss said, flatly, "you want me to help you get that stupid enormous apple so you can see if there's a giant worm in it?"  
  
"And so I can eat it," Gourry put in.  
  
"Oh, yes, how could I forget? AND so you can eat it," Xelloss said, mockingly.  
  
"Yeah!! That's right!"  
  
The Mazoku sighed. He looked around. "Look, there's a shrub-fence right beside the tree. Just climb up there and you can get to it," he said, pointing to the green wall beside the giant apple tree.  
  
"Wow!! Thanks **widdle Xel-chan.**"  
  
Xelloss sighed again. "Why me?"  
  
Reluctantly, he followed his idiotic companion who was currently jumping up and down trying to grab the top of the wall.  
  
"I can't reach it. It's too high," he complained, sorrowfully.  
  
"There may be a ladder on the other side," Xelloss suggested. "Look, there's the entrance to the other side over there!" He pointed to an opening in the shrub.  
  
"Yeah! Thanks again, **widdle Xel-chan,**" he said, running off.  
  
Xelloss growled, following Gourry around the corner of the wall.  
  
Once there, they looked around for a ladder. Xelloss followed Gourry as he searched down corridor after corridor of seemingly endless shrub.  
  
"I've got an idea," Gourry said.  
  
"Oh, gods, help me," Xelloss groaned.  
  
"Let's split up."  
  
"Thank you, thank you!!!" The eager Mazoku took off in the opposite direction of Gourry, who shrugged and started walking.  
  
"Hmm." he said to myself. "I wish I could find Big Apple again. He was so delicious and tender.ahh.he would've made such a yummy snack."  
  
Meanwhile, Xelloss was running toward where he thought the entrance/exit was. "Ha! I'll escape from this baka maze and leave that baka Gourry all alone in here, trapped forever! HAHAHAHAHAHA-" And he promptly bumped heads with Gourry.  
  
"Oww." Gourry complained, rubbing his head.  
  
"Hey, you idiot!! What were you doing?" Xelloss demanded.  
  
"Um.trying to find a way out."  
  
"We were supposed to split up."  
  
"We did."  
  
"."  
  
"."  
  
"Never mind that. Let's just get out of here."  
  
"Why don't you just fly up there and figure out where we're at?" Gourry wondered.  
  
"Well.heh.I would.but.um." Xelloss stammered, for loss of better words.  
  
"Is it that time of the month?"  
  
"NO IT IS __NOT__ THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!!!!!"  
  
"Jeez, it sure SOUNDS like it is," Gourry said, suspiciously.  
  
"Not another word."  
  
"Someone needs to go to bed early tonight."  
  
"Don't start THAT again!!"  
  
"So-rry!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Umm.Miss!" Zelgadis called to the waitress who had brought his coffee.  
  
"Yes, sir?" she responded.  
  
"Well.I asked for original decaffeinated, and this is clearly not original decaffeinated," he told her.  
  
"What's wrong with it?" she queried.  
  
"It had froth in it."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I didn't ask for any blasted froth!!" he cried.  
  
She snatched the cup. "Get a grip, sir!" she exclaimed, going to get it refilled.  
  
"Oh, I'll get a grip all right," he muttered. "I'll get a grip around your neck."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Now that __I__, LINA INVERSE, have DEFEATED the EVIL and DEADLY plants of the EVIL plant kingdom, I shall move on to the." Lina looked to see a few leftover weeds. ".THE WEEDS!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Xel-chan, we've been walking for hours!" Gourry whimpered.  
  
"Oh, come on! It's been five minutes since we've been walking, you big baby."  
  
"Hey! You're the baby! Not me!"  
  
"Would you cut that out? I am not some little brat for you to babysit! Understand?" Xelloss demanded.  
  
"If you say so, little Xel-chan."  
  
"Grr."  
  
"Why don't you use your laser vision to see through this thing?" Gourry wondered.  
  
"Well, for one thing, I don't have laser vision in the first place, and for another thing, like I tried to tell you earlier, this maze has some kind of forcefield that keeps me from using my powers," Xelloss explained to the mentally-impaired swordsman.  
  
"Did you know that eight people die every year from having coke machines fall on them?"  
  
".NO!!! AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ____ANYTHING____????"  
  
"Oh, I was just.um.wondering."  
  
" `Oh, heh, I was just, uh, wondering,' big stupid idiot," he said, mockingly.  
  
"I think you need a nap," Gourry said, pulling out a blanket and a pillow.  
  
"." Xelloss merely stared at him for a minute before sitting on the ground, Indian-style, closing his eyes tightly and screaming.  
  
"Hmm." Gourry dug around in his "bag of everything I got from our adventures." "AND, you need a bottle." He showed the near-nervous-breakdown Mazoku a milk-filled bottle.  
  
"Gourry?"  
  
"Yes, my little Xel-chan?"  
  
"How long has the milk been in that-"  
  
He was cut off when Gourry took the opportunity to shove the bottle into his mouth.  
  
Xelloss fell backward, choking and sputtering everywhere. "Yuck!! THAT'S SOOOO GROSS!! Ick.I feel like Filia.ahh."  
  
"Ahhh.what?" Gourry inquired.  
  
"That bottle reminded me of Nahga-chan."  
  
___BIG BANG ATTACK!!!___  
  
Xelloss was fried by the author goddess' attack.  
  
"What was that for?" he asked, slightly singed.  
  
__You're not allowed to say icky things unless you're in the MST's__  
  
"Well you didn't have to big bang me!!"  
  
__Hee! Yes I did!__  
  
Xelloss gave her a suspicious look.  
  
"Aw, do you feel better now, Baby-Xelloss?" Gourry asked.  
  
Xelloss, giving in to Gourry's baby-tangent, said, "Yes, Gourry. I feel better now."  
  
"Good! Then you're ready for your nap?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But, you're supposed to be in bed by eight!!"  
  
"No I'm not!! And besides that, how do you even know what time it is?"  
  
"By the position of the sun," Gourry answered, pointing at the sun.  
  
"Oh, of course.WAITAMINUTE!! It's not even dark yet, bakayaro!!" the enraged monster yelled.  
  
"Oh, silly Baby-Xelloss! You know that daylight saving's time is today!"  
  
Xelloss' eyelid twitched. "Let's get out of here before I go insane," he suggested, walking away.  
  
"Baby-Xelloss, wait!! I still have to burp you!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
"Here's your coffee with no froth," the waitress said, handing Zelgadis the cup of coffee, sans frothy bubbles.  
  
"Arigato!" he replied, cheerfully, gulping it all down in one swallow. "Hey!! That coffee didn't have any sugar in it!"  
  
"I thought you wanted straight-up original decaffeinated!!" she shrieked.  
  
"I __did__, but I didn't mean for you to give it to me right out of the machine!!" Zelgadis defended.  
  
She glared at him. "I hope you know.that this means war."  
  
"But, of course."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ahh.all the evil plants are dead." Lina said, sighing and sitting down on another statue. "That only leaves.the lawn gnomes!!! ATTACK!!!" and she did. She did, indeed.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Xelloss," Gourry whined, loudly, "I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty! I need to go to the bathroom! My knees hurt. My back hurts. My feet hurt! My stomach hurts! I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I wanna go home! I miss Lina. I can't scratch my back! I'm getting sunburned! My gloves are sweaty! My armpits are smelly. I want some chicken! I wanna lie down! Can I borrow your stick?"  
  
"THAT'S IT!!!!!" Xelloss exclaimed, all of sudden.  
  
Gourry covered his head, protectively. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!!" he cried.  
  
"No, no silly Goo-chan!" Xelloss shook his head. "You just gave me a BRILLIANT idea!!"  
  
"Really?" Gourry wondered, meekly.  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Wow!! I'm a GENIUS!!"  
  
"Now let's not tempt fate or we'll get into a worse predicament than we're already in," Xelloss said, grabbing his staff, tightly. "Now, Goo-chan, I want you to climb up the `stick' and find the way out, oh-kay?"  
  
"Oh-kay.what was it again?"  
  
**Sweatdrop** "Never mind. YOU hold the `stick' and I'll climb up and look," the Mazoku said, handing his staff out to the braindead swordsman. "Hold it still, now," he begged, beginning to climb up.  
  
Gourry held the staff as still as possible while Xelloss tried to balance on one foot with no powers of levitation. The monster looked around. All he could see for miles was.shrubbery.  
  
He sank back down to the ground, backed against a wall, and.cried.  
  
"GOO-CHAN!!" Xelloss wailed. "WE'RE NEVER GONNA GET OUT OF HERE!!!"  
  
"Oh, don't worry Baby-Xelloss! Don't cry," Gourry said, comfortingly.  
  
"I am not `Baby-Xelloss'!" Xelloss shrieked.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"TAKE THAT, SIR!!" the waitress shouted, throwing a sugar dispenser at Zelgadis, who was using his lounge chair as a "fort."  
  
"HA!" he laughed. "Missed me!!" He threw a napkin divider at her, hitting her in the head.  
  
"OUCH!! You'll PAY!!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Lina, very self-satisfied, having destroyed every shrub, plant, weed, and garden gnome in her path, was about to rejoin the others when suddenly, something caught her eye. She gasped. "I MISSED ONE!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Gourry and Xelloss were now hugging each other and telling stories that probably weren't true just to make each other feel better.  
  
"-and after I saved the kitty from the tree, I gave it back to the farmer who rewarded me with a really big cake," Gourry exaggerated.  
  
"That's wonderful, Goo-chan," Xelloss said, sniffling.  
  
Right before Xelloss was about to tell another of his stories, the sound of a roaring chainsaw was heard in the distance.  
  
"What was that?" Gourry asked, worriedly.  
  
"I.don't know," Xelloss answered.  
  
Suddenly, a big slice was taken out of the shrub right above their heads. Gourry fainted, having it miss his head by about two inches. Xelloss simply shrank down closer to the ground.  
  
Lina jumped out of the hole she had made, laughing victoriously.  
  
She stopped noticing the unconscious Gourry and the fear-stricken Xelloss.  
  
"Hey. What's up?" she said.  
  
"Lina-chan!!" Xelloss cried. "It was horrible!!" He grabbed onto the sorceress' leg. "I thought we'd never get out!! But YOU SAVED US!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!" He jumped up and ran through the path she had made, leaving her to stand there, scratching her head.  
  
"Hmm.I wonder what got into him."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Once Xelloss had reached the other side, the GREAT COFFEE WAR was over. The victor: Zelgadis, who was currently sipping his original decaffeinated sugared coffee.  
  
Lina came out a few seconds later, followed by Gourry, who had woken up after being slapped around a bit.  
  
"Ah.even though many lives were lost in the GREAT COFFEE WAR, __I__ the Great Zelgadis Greywers, have come out victorious," Zelgadis gloated.  
  
"Aw, don't worry, Zel!" Gourry said. "At least it wasn't YOUR fault that we got lost in the giant maze."  
  
Xelloss promptly hit him on the head.  
  
  
  
-How was it? Review, please! ^_^ I'm working on two or three fics right now, which makes me sooooo happy!!! I loooove being busy with lil ficcies!! Gimme more ideas so Nova-chan can be even more happy!! ^_^  
  
  
  
-Nova-chan's writer 


End file.
